You can choose to listen to me, or not, just know I am not randomly spewing my opinions. I am sharing with you what I have seen and learned over my thirteen years of teaching children of various ages from all types of backgrounds. I am letting you in on the staffroom conversations between teachers. I am - God forbid - giving you a little taste of the venting I do to my husband.
Several years ago, I did a post on parenting tips from a teacher's perspective. For that take a look here: Tips for Parents from a Teacher's Perspective
These things are all still applicable, I'm just going to add to them here. Why? Because over the years I've been teaching, I've watched the parenting styles and children's mentality/behaviour change - and not for the better. And I'm sorry to say it's my generation that's screwing it up. Of course I'm generalizing and not talking about absolutely everyone. But before you breath easy and think "she must not be talking about me", read on.
You Are A Parent, Not A Friend
Before you get all defensive and think "no I'm best buddies with my kid and it's fine" hear me out. I have seen an increase in the number of parents who are trying to be "cool"by acting more like a friend than a parent. The problem? Who's their parent? Who disciplines them or guides them when they need it? You were just singing hardcore rap in the car with them dropping f-bombs together, you no longer have any authority. The greater problem? They now don't recognize any authority. Why should they? They've never been told to respect adults, as you've put them on a level playing field with you. So when they act out in school and the teacher or principal gives them consequences, they don't care. In fact most "cool" parents will talk trash about the school with their kid.
If you've always treated them as an equal, a buddy who you use as a confidante to talk about all your issues with, you have done the following:
1. Unfairly involved your kid in an adult world, making them think about/deal with things they shouldn't have to yet. Essentially taking away their childlike innocence.
2. Taught them that adults aren't superheroes. Now, we know this. But remember when you were a kid and you thought your parents knew everything? Do you also remember the moment you realized they don't? That was a huge paradigm shift for me, and didn't happen until I was in my teens. Imagine never thinking that. Imagine never feeling like your parents knew what they were talking about, because they opened up to you from the beginning and revealed their frailty. Imagine your parent is the slightly awkward kid at school, trying to desperately gain your approval by attempting to be "cool". Sure, you can listen to whatever music you want! You bet you can play Fortnite until midnight on a weekday, let me play with you! Battle Royale b***es! Oh you want to go to a party on a Thursday night? Can I buy you booze? You got an in-school suspension? Not on my watch, stay home and we'll go to the mall!
If your child acts out or misbehaves, you have no recourse as you have taken away your own control. They do not respect you as a parent, and you can't gain that control once you've given it away. They keep skipping school because they don't care about consequences? What are you going to do about it? They won't help out around the house because they simply don't want to and you can't make them? What do you expect?
This change in parenting towards more "friend" parents than parent-parents may be connected to the growing number of divorced families. A "mom vs. dad who's cooler" competition. "Which house do you have more fun at" game. A "let's screw up our kids beyond all measure" type activity.
If you only have your child for the weekend, you want to have the best possible time, you don't want to bog that down with "parenting". Students tell us: "I was at dad's this weekend and we ate McDonalds and played Call of Duty the whole time!" This is a direct quote, I'm not making it up. The kid was also off-kilter until Wednesday.
When you have one home where you are treated as an equal to the adults, getting to do whatever you want and never being told no because your parent is so "chill", this makes it supremely difficult for the other household that may be trying to properly parent them. Hopefully. The other alternative is you have two "fun-time" homes which will result in an a**hole kid who will grow up to be an a**hole adult.
In summary, when you are more a friend than a parent:
Expectation: My child and I have the best and closest relationship. We can talk about anything. All the other kids think I'm so cool! My kid must love me because I never say no.
Reality: Your child is entitled and has no respect for authority. More than likely they will be extremely difficult to guide through their teen years. They love you, but they don't respect you. Don't believe me ? Ask them to do something without using any form of bribery.
Solution: Remember you are the parent. It is your responsibility to raise a successful and contributing human being. This means you will need to tell them no, they will need to yell "I hate you" numerous times, you will need to be the bad guy. Is it harder than being a friend? Yes. Will it pay-off in the long run because you haven't added another a**hole into society? Yep. And you can grow a friendship with your child over time in an appropriate way, without losing their respect or your authority.
Video Games: A Battle Royale
I mentioned Fortnite earlier briefly, and here we shall revisit it.
First of all, we had video games growing up. I remember watching my brothers play Zelda for hours (I never had interest in playing but I liked watching the Lord of the Rings-ish land). This is not about video games, this is about the video games kids are playing now - and the boundaries given (or not) by parents.
There are kids in my school, an elementary school, who play Grand Theft Auto. For anyone who doesn't know what that game is, you essentially steal cars, swear, deal drugs and kill people with various weapons. As a bonus, you can also have sex with hookers and if you want, you can kill them when you're done. I have heard nine and ten year olds talking about how they play this game. When the latest edition was released, there were kids in my class then counting down until they would buy it - correction, until their parents would buy it. Am I the only one who sees countless problems with this??
Then we've got online games, where kids can interact with people from all over. My understanding is this interaction consists of swearing at each other and insulting mothers. And that's the best case scenario, because you could be talking to a fellow grade six student Billy who is really middle-aged predator Barry. Want to meet in real life Billy? Here's where I live!
Fortnite is taking over - and if you don't know what I'm talking about, chances are you aren't around kids. And maybe you haven't heard the word Fornite but you better believe you've seen kids everywhere doing the dumb dances.
The other fun thing about Fortnite is it tricks you into paying money. Get your parent's credit card to purchase a new "skin", everyone on the team is doing it!
*Sidenote: real story - a grade three student was chatting online with a "teammate" while playing Fortnite and the person started asking them for personal information. They thought it was a friend and told them where they lived, etc. It turned out to be an adult man.
There are actually video game rehab centres now. I'm not making that up, you can search it if you don't believe me. "He just won't stop playing, he gets mad when I tell him to" YOU'RE THE PARENT. How has it gotten to a point where we're too scared of our kids to tell them what to do??? "He's addicted and I don't know what to do" Who bought the devices is he playing on? With whose wifi is he accessing the game? HOW IS VIDEO GAME REHAB EVEN A THING???
I am by no means saying kids shouldn't play video games; I am saying they need boundaries. Censor what they play and how much they play BECAUSE YOU CAN. You're the parent - you bought the device, you provide the wifi, and it is your responsibility to help your child learn self-control.
Otherwise you can wait and try to teach them boundaries when they're thirty-seven and still playing video games in your basement where they live.
Lawnmower Parents
In my last post on parent tips, I discussed "helicopter parents". Good news: there aren't as many any more. Bad news: we now have something worse. And a lot of them. We have "lawnmower parents". What are those you ask? Much like a lawnmower, these parents walk ahead of their child mowing down all the "long grass" - obstacles - in their child's way. (Another term for this is "bulldozer parent")
What's the difference between the two?
Helicopter parents hover around, constantly checking in on their kids to make sure they can swoop in and help/get involved/make excuses whenever something difficult comes up or their child needs to deal with something.
Lawnmower parents don't even give the chance for their child to come across any situation of difficulty. They get it out of the way so their child can run blissfully amongst the freshly trimmed grass, unaware there may have been something to trip them up. What's the problem with that?
"I don't want my child to have anxiety" (by the way, "anxiety" is the new ADHD - every parent wants you to know their child is anxious). Here's a newsflash: anxiety is good. It is a natural human response and it's what makes us think twice about putting our hand on a flame. It's what makes us study for a test so we feel prepared, it's what stops us from getting too close to a steep edge. If you mow down all adversary for your child because you're worried about them having high anxiety, guess what? You actually just put them at a huge disadvantage. They have now never developed any strategies to deal with healthy anxiety or stress. You have taken away your child's human ability to develop coping mechanisms, and when you're not around? They will be lost and overwhelmed, unable to problem solve.
Scenario 1:
You're at the park with your toddler. They stumble crookedly towards the sandbox where they trip on the wooden frame and fall into the sandbox. They're not hurt but they cry.
Parent 1: runs over saying "are you okay are you okay oh my goodness" then picks up the crying toddler and leaves the park.
Parent 2: looks over and cheerfully says "you're okay!" and continues about their business, not making a big deal out of it.
Parent 3: never let the toddler walk to the sandbox by themselves in the first place, but led them by hand, sat them inside, then sat on the edge of the wooden frame to make sure none of the other kids in there are mean to their kid.
Which of these responses will lead to a confident, resilient child? Which will lead to a child who cries over everything because it always makes their parent come running? Which will lead to a child who simply cannot handle themselves on the playground?
Scenario 2:
Your child has some tricky homework to complete that has been assigned for a while. They've left it to the last minute and therefore will most likely be unable to complete it before they need to go to bed.
Parent 1: emails the child's teacher saying "he had hockey tonight and ran out of time to finish his homework. Can he have an extension so he can have more time to finish it?"
Parent 2: tells the child "too bad, this has been assigned for a while. It is your responsibility to complete your homework in time. Therefore you can deal with the consequences of not having your homework done when you go to school tomorrow. Next time maybe you'll be more responsible."
Parent 3: tells their child to go to bed and stays up finishing their homework for them so they don't get in trouble.
Which of these responses will lead to a responsible person with work ethic? Which will lead to a person who has no accountability and struggles later in life with completing any work?
I'm hoping at this point you're starting to see which parent is the helicopter parent, which is the lawnmower parent and which parent teachers would like you to be.
I also hope you realize your style of parenting begins the minute your child is born. Everything you do is molding the person your child will become. Is that scary? Yep. Is that a daunting task? Absolutely. But you also brought a human being into the world and your responsibility is to make sure they are a contributing member of society. Too bad. This is your job.
It is a teacher's job to help you with this - not do it for you. Over the last several years teachers have watched accountability, responsibility, problem solving skills, and resiliency become solely the responsibility of the schools - and this doesn't work. We only have your child for ten months - you have them for life.
Don't rescue your child, or even worse, don't stop them from failing in the first place. Failure is a key component of learning. Don't get in the way of adversity your child may face - that's how they acquire the skills to overcome obstacles.
I know helicopter and lawnmower parents have the best of intentions; they do everything they do out of love for their child. They want them to have the best life possible. But I am telling you - and any teacher or child psychologist will tell you this also - in order for them to have the best life possible, you need to back off. You need to let your kid cry. You need to let them have conflicts with other kids. You need to watch them fail again and again. These kids will learn responsibility, how to problem solve, resolve conflicts, pick themselves up and try again. They will not have high anxiety; on the contrary, they have learned to deal with healthy anxiety.
Please please please give your children a chance to be successful - through adversity and failure.
Phones
I have saved the best for last. Except by "best" I mean ABSOLUTE WORST.
Actual things happening: the exchange of "nudes" at the junior high level (that's 12 to 14 year olds) is one of the biggest problems schools are dealing with. Suicide rate in young girls is on the rise. The actual chemical make-up of adolescent minds is changing due to staring at a glaring screen late into the night. Attention issues. Lack of sleep. Depression. Lack of social skills.
"But what if my kid needs to get ahold of me?" Better get them an iPhone 8 with access to the internet and social media. A simple flip phone just won't do - or I don't know, maybe they could use the school phone??? Or a phone at the facility they're at??
Giving an eleven year old a device worth several hundred dollars that has the ability to take and send pictures, look up anything they want (newsflash - no matter what you search, something sexual will come up) and send/receive nasty messages, has access to addicting and at times inappropriate games, is an obvious recipe for disaster. Yet somehow I find iPhones falling out of kids pockets in the hallway at an elementary school. I deal with SnapChat issues. I have more cyber bullying conversations than I can count (this year is not as bad as years past because a number of my students don't have phones - a rarity).
I understand the pressure to get your kid a phone, because if all of their peers have a phone, how do you tell them they can't handle a phone yet? The answer: parents need to work together. You need to plan with the parents in your child's friend group and make a plan to hold off on getting your kids phones until way later - like sixteen years old. Will they still have issues at that age? Yep. But again, that is where you come in as a parent; it is your job to set boundaries and pay attention to what your child does on their device. If you tell your kid the only way they're getting a phone is if you know their password, the chance of you finding naked photos of them or nasty texts is greatly reduced. If your child knows you can ask to look at their phone at any time, maybe they'll understand that it is not their right to have a phone and do as they wish with it - it is a PRIVILEGE.
And don't give me any "that's an invasion of privacy" BS - it is absolutely not. It is an act of parenting, in the interest of your child's safety and good character. Looking at your kid's phone is not like reading their diary - unless their diary has the ability to bully other kids or be bullied by other kids, send or receive child pornography (of themselves or their peers), sell them drugs etc. Also, remember the part where you're the parent? And you probably bought the phone? Pay the monthly bill? That's not your kid's phone, it's yours. And it's your responsibility to PAY ATTENTION.
Check this out: Today's Parent Age by Age Guide to Smartphones
I may be coming across like quite the jerk here - but I'm okay with that. And you should be okay with being a jerk in your kid's eyes sometimes too. Having your kid think you're a jerk is better than raising an actual full-out jerk.
Again, parenting is an incredibly hard job. You don't always know what you're doing; maybe you never know what you're doing. But it is your job. It should not be easy. If it's easy, chances are you're letting your kid get away with more than you should. It is not your job to do everything for them or go running every time they call; they just need boundaries and guidelines to follow that you have put in place.
You can take these "tips" into consideration or not. You can be annoyed at the things I've said or wonder if you're doing these things and make necessary changes. It's your call. Nothing big on the line here, just the future of humanity.
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